i wish i had the money to get things to make my apt finished and decorated, so it actually looks lived in (although maybe if i finish unpacking that might help the problem) - but of course i have no money, none, i am afraid my card will soon be maxed out and that cant happen because i dont know how i would ever recover from that, i cant even aford to get the things i need, i mean i havent even bought food since i moved in and the food that i do have, like non perishables, does me no good since i cant cook anything since i dont have any pots or pans, i cant even have toast because i dont have a toaster, i mean i dont even have a frickin can opener! so i obviously havent been eating very well, which i know isnt good...one of my managers felt so bad for me that she gave me a box of crackers and a package fo cookies...between dinner last night at nicks and breakfast today at erins i think i had the most balanced meals and most food i have had in i dont even know how long
spent the 4th at the daines house watching the daines family olympics or daines challange (im not sure which the official was) which i believe is the new annual event for which i was the scorekeeper, nick and his brothers competing in their ridiculous events was hilarious, my friends are just great, i love them all to death, part of me wishes i was living down there again so i could see them every day
i am lonely lately, not in the sence that i wish i had company over but more like ive got this little hole inside me, a hole that im not sure how to fill, im not sure how it needs to be filled, the mostwhole i seem to feel is when im aroud my friends from home, maybe thats because all of us together represent a time when everything was good and we were all happy, maybe its just filled by the people that care about me...it seems that i have been going out and doing things more often lately and connecting with a wider range of people, some tht i havent see in too long, this is a good thing and keeps me busy and happy...maybe i just need somebody, well a boy specifically, i miss the comfort of arms around me, the way it feels to touch someone, to...and im at a loss for words i am just sent into a daydream...mmm...
nick isnt coming up here this month like he was going to, which in the back of my mind i knew that he wouldnt be but i cant say im still not disappointed because i was really excited i was going to get to see him, it would have been so nice to have him here, every time i see hime its better than the last and inbetween we just keep getting closer, i dont know when hes going to actually make it up here...i could always go down there to see hime but that does cost money that i dont have although i could charge it! when my bill is up this high whats a little more right? meh, last time we tried to plan the trip it didnt go so well, i guess well see, maybe ill try to go down before classes start up again in sept
here ive been sitting and writing all of these ramblings whe i was sapposed to be writing some poems for class tomarrow, but the problem is i dont know what to write about, they do give me these prompts and suggestions but its not really helping, the ones i wrote last week i didnt thin k were that great since i ddint know what the hell i was doing but then my teacher made a point of telling me twice that they were good and he liked them, which to start made me feel a lot better about this whole writing poems thing but now its almost harder because now i dont want the next ones to be worse, im not a fan of backward progression, ugh, i may be a writer but im thinking i may not be a poet, i cant just sit down a write one like an essay, i dont know where to begin, how do they just come out...everything i start to write down just sounds stupid and any idea i think of i dont know how to make it into a poem, i just want to write out a paragraph telling the story and now i have nothing to take to class tomarrow because ive been doing this instead, fabulous