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22nd January 2010

9:48am: I finally remebered my password to get back into this thing!

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28th October 2005

6:16pm: fri night and im in the computer lab
today is my day off, the first one in ten days and what am i doing? nothing, i dont even know what to do with myself (part of why im here), study? clean my apt? thats not fun, i feel like i should enjoy my night a little bit...even when i have a day off i feel like i might as well be at work since i dont have anything alse to do anyways, at least id be getting paid...i mean thats part of why i volunteer to work as much as i do, ya it makes me more tired and rundown but if i dont really have anyone to hang out with when im not there then why not? at least im gaining something

went out on wed with the philosophy kids and had a really good time, i love when we all get together, we where celebrating jessica and travis' bdays...normally i never am bother by the fact that im single but the other night i had this moment when we were all at the bar where i noticed that when we hang out all of them bring along their significant other, which is not a problem i love them all, but for a moment i was very aware that im the only one of us not dating anyone

so theres this new kid in the dept, martin, hes an exchange student here for the year from finland...he came out with us the other night and hes really cool, i like him a lot, me and scott hung out with him for like seven hours and hes really interesting, kind made me feel a little uninteresting...he just knows about a lot of different things and knows how to do a lot of different things (he plays like every insrument and speaks like five languages, scott figures he still has a couple years to catch up though) and we were thinking we must seem sorta dumb and boring in comparison, but anyway i really liked hanging out with him, hopefully we will all be going out more often

anyway home i go to watch tv and eat halloween candy

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22nd October 2005

9:59pm: i hate my freakin company
i can never catch a break there, no matter how much harder i work or how much responsibility i get there is never any direct compensation, whenever i get to a point where i am in a place to be promoted then all of a sudden the position doesnt actuall exist anymore or they are about to get rid of it...so no matter what i do or how obvious the situation looks i get screwed in the end, even though i feel like marilyn will go to bat for me a little harder than cathy ever did i still feel like im going to get nothing out of it - again...and the thing that makes it worse is that within a month of lindsay transfering to u village she got promoted like twice, pretty much got the job i want when i know more than she did because ive been doing it for years and now shes way above me, and its not like im blaming her or am mad at her or anything because its not her fault at all and i know that part of it is that im way up here in bham and out of the loop but its just one more thing that makes it suck extra for me...thats what it does basically - is just sucks

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17th October 2005

12:08pm: so last night im sitting on my couch watching tv and studying and two racoons walk across my balcony, look in to my apt and then proceed on their way...ya thats it

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8th October 2005

2:42pm: so i thought this was kind of cool/interesting...when someone is remembering the look right and when they are creating they look left

ok so i heard it on csi but its probably still true right? anyway i remembered it and want to pay attention to that now
Current Mood: drained

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22nd September 2005

10:44am: looks like ill be needing a new partner in crime
so over the course of the summer my two best friends in bellingham both moved away, rachel back to spokane and lindsay back to seattle...and i am here, in bellingham all alone, between them an eveyone else that has left who the heck am i gonna hang out with all the time? well ive still always got castona but thats not quite the same...i am super excited that jessica will be 21 next month though

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12th September 2005

8:53pm: shannon and lindsay go southern (and a little bit italian)
oh my gosh! seriously best trip ever, the whole thing was just awesome, awesome things just kept happening to us - people love us down there!

we went to three new states, texas, louisiana and mississippi...stayed in a fancy hotel (and a not so fancy one)...we swam in the gulf of mexico...we ate beingets, crawfish, catfish, gumbo, jumbalya, grits, hushpuppies, looked at turtle soup (which we decided was sufficient)and tons of different kinds of shrimp...we went to a club in pascagoula, which we were the only white people in, gave my underage sister beers in the bathroom and snuck in her even more underage friend...saw geckos...went to the casinos...ate at a waffle house...saw my little sister get married...got plenty of drinks bought for us...got free coffee one morning...we saw the mississippi river...rode the st charles street car...we ate at the bubba gump shimp co...we saw origional paintings by picasso, chagall, dali and warhol...found a new favorite artist, todd white...met a painter whos name i cant remember right now and the hot guy that works in his studio...we saw ann rice's house...went to an above gound cemetary...we partied on bourbon street...we drank handgrenades and hurricanes...we got real mardi gras beads...we promoted for hustler...we hung out with italian boys, i kissed an italian boy...we went to one of the top five zoos...we snuck into the largest aquarium...we went to the hardrock and the house of blues...had our palms read...got a real life ghost story told to us by the guy who works in this old hotel and saw the room there clinton and hilary stayed in...saw tulane and loyola...we went swimming at 3 am drinking champagne with boys we met...

awesome!

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25th May 2005

11:21pm: lobsterized once again
got horrifically sun burnt today, didnt even think we were out that long but that was obviously incorrect

so im in the computer lab supposed to be writing my paper but of course im procrastinating...this is the one that i just really dont want to write, i could have been working on it all day but there was always something better to do (yes even getting burned was better, well maybe not) and now i only have a limited amount of hours left at my disposal

ive been 22 for exactly a month now and i had been hoping this year was going to treat me better than the last but so far things arent exactly looking that way...i mean i got the death illness on my frickin birthday and had to go to the hospital for heavens sake, i got another fabulous letter from my dad, seem to have struck out with two different boys, felt pretty good about my midterms til i got them back, have managed to go completely broke, thought something happened to my mom cuz she unplugged the phone, my sister apparently got thrown around again oh and now my skin is fried...man, its a good thing im not a pessimist or life would kinda suck right now, i just hope theres a nice little change to come, i need somethin...its weird though because if i look back i would say that being 21 was awesome, it was so much fun and we did so much stuff that rocked, but then once i really think about it a few of the absolute worst possible things happened that year (my parents, bogie, annies stroke, billy almost dying in iraq), but thats not what comes to mind when i think of it overall, the good things are the ones that stand out most

new plan: go home, sleep, get up early, bust out paper
Current Mood: tired

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19th May 2005

8:43pm: just thought id update since castona has his laptop at my apt...i made dinner tonight for me and nic and rachel, sweet and sour chicken, it was way good, i ate soo much cuz ya know i cant have leftovers and now i dont want to clean anything up and knowing me the dishes and stuff are gonna be sitting there for a couple days

man i relly need to put a new picture on here, this one doesnt even look like me...it was over two years ago, like the only time i ever had short hair

todays bogies bday...and sams (dont know if that means anything, just kind of interesting)
Current Mood: full

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18th May 2005

3:17pm: i really hate not having internet at home...i never write in this any more because whenever i want to or have something to say i dont have access to it, it sucks because there are so many things i wish i had in here that i dont...im going to try and make a point from now on to get back into using this and just coming to campus when i want to write - or i suppose i could just shell out the cash for some internet

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13th March 2005

10:29pm: exactly a year ago today i met tim...

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22nd November 2004

3:22pm: two days!
i am so excited to see him and i dont want to wait a second later than i have to i just feel like its going to make everything ok, because of course the bad is going to come right along with the good...so starting tomarrow i am going to at least forget about school until mon and try my best to get through the hard part and to enjoy the rest, the holidays are going to be interesting at my house this year...blah, anyways, two days! i wnt to see him so badly, im just worried i wont end up being able to spend as much time with him as i want to, but oh well ill just hope for the best, either way its better than nothing, ah i cant wait
Current Mood: giddy

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16th November 2004

12:46pm: i feel like i havent been getting any decent sleep lately, i mean ive been making an effort to sleep and even managed to go to bed early a couple nights in the past few weeks but i still wake up unrested, its almost like my bed has become uncomfortable and i wake up a bunch of times and im either hot or cold, i cant seem to sleep the night through anymore, my body feels sore and ive missed a couple classes because even though ive gotten what should be enough sleep i cant seem to drag myself out of bed like my body is too heavy to move, i am dead weight...i dont know why i feel like this but i need to snap out of it because i am way too busy to lose my energy...maybei should drink before i go to bed or take nyquil, that should knock me out good for a night...im really starting to look forward to the end of the quarter i need the break, but thne that just makes me think of all the things i have to do before i actualy get that break and that is way too overwhelming
Current Mood: stressed

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2nd November 2004

7:17pm: gettin down to the wire
its a big day and everybody is all wriled up...i voted today, not gonna tell anyone who for but i feel accomplished that i did, had to put my little two cents in, although im stupid and never changed my address and i wanst about to forfeit my right to vote just because im not registered in this county so i had to waste three hours today driving home just so i could vote, which probably wasnt the best use of my time since i have a paper to write tonight that i have barely started and a midterm tomarrow that ive barely studied for but hey i got my very own little "i voted" sticker so its all good
Current Mood: blah

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26th October 2004

12:48pm: the mystery remains
too many of what seem like coincidences lately, so many and not all realted to each other...i wish i knew the meanings and could then act accordingly
Current Mood: curious

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13th October 2004

12:22pm: its been so long since ive written...and ive had so much to say, the problem is that without internet then this is never here when i want to write and if i tried to catch up now then i would end up sitting here for hours, too many things to write - oh well what can you do?
Current Mood: warm

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6th July 2004

12:58pm: written last night since i dont have internet yet
i have a perfect view of the sun setting over the water every day, its so gorgeous to look out at it through huge windows every day...ive been living in my new place (key word being my) for about a week now and i have been sleeping on the couch the whole time because i like waking up to the sun coming in and being able to look out at the water, off to one side i can see downtown and the other, right over the tops of the trees across the street, the bay, i feel like its my own personal peephole to the ocean, like is there just for me, im all up int he trees here like swiss family robinson style, and i love it

i wish i had the money to get things to make my apt finished and decorated, so it actually looks lived in (although maybe if i finish unpacking that might help the problem) - but of course i have no money, none, i am afraid my card will soon be maxed out and that cant happen because i dont know how i would ever recover from that, i cant even aford to get the things i need, i mean i havent even bought food since i moved in and the food that i do have, like non perishables, does me no good since i cant cook anything since i dont have any pots or pans, i cant even have toast because i dont have a toaster, i mean i dont even have a frickin can opener! so i obviously havent been eating very well, which i know isnt good...one of my managers felt so bad for me that she gave me a box of crackers and a package fo cookies...between dinner last night at nicks and breakfast today at erins i think i had the most balanced meals and most food i have had in i dont even know how long

spent the 4th at the daines house watching the daines family olympics or daines challange (im not sure which the official was) which i believe is the new annual event for which i was the scorekeeper, nick and his brothers competing in their ridiculous events was hilarious, my friends are just great, i love them all to death, part of me wishes i was living down there again so i could see them every day

i am lonely lately, not in the sence that i wish i had company over but more like ive got this little hole inside me, a hole that im not sure how to fill, im not sure how it needs to be filled, the mostwhole i seem to feel is when im aroud my friends from home, maybe thats because all of us together represent a time when everything was good and we were all happy, maybe its just filled by the people that care about me...it seems that i have been going out and doing things more often lately and connecting with a wider range of people, some tht i havent see in too long, this is a good thing and keeps me busy and happy...maybe i just need somebody, well a boy specifically, i miss the comfort of arms around me, the way it feels to touch someone, to...and im at a loss for words i am just sent into a daydream...mmm...

nick isnt coming up here this month like he was going to, which in the back of my mind i knew that he wouldnt be but i cant say im still not disappointed because i was really excited i was going to get to see him, it would have been so nice to have him here, every time i see hime its better than the last and inbetween we just keep getting closer, i dont know when hes going to actually make it up here...i could always go down there to see hime but that does cost money that i dont have although i could charge it! when my bill is up this high whats a little more right? meh, last time we tried to plan the trip it didnt go so well, i guess well see, maybe ill try to go down before classes start up again in sept

here ive been sitting and writing all of these ramblings whe i was sapposed to be writing some poems for class tomarrow, but the problem is i dont know what to write about, they do give me these prompts and suggestions but its not really helping, the ones i wrote last week i didnt thin k were that great since i ddint know what the hell i was doing but then my teacher made a point of telling me twice that they were good and he liked them, which to start made me feel a lot better about this whole writing poems thing but now its almost harder because now i dont want the next ones to be worse, im not a fan of backward progression, ugh, i may be a writer but im thinking i may not be a poet, i cant just sit down a write one like an essay, i dont know where to begin, how do they just come out...everything i start to write down just sounds stupid and any idea i think of i dont know how to make it into a poem, i just want to write out a paragraph telling the story and now i have nothing to take to class tomarrow because ive been doing this instead, fabulous

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29th June 2004

1:48am: last night in my house...
Current Mood: sad

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17th June 2004

11:15pm: billy just called to say that he is leaving for iraq in five hours

i love you, and come back
Current Mood: not quite sure how to feel

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6th June 2004

10:56pm: and the countdown begins
5 days til mraz
16 days til gavin
34 days til m5

cant wait!
(just have to get through finals...)
Current Mood: drained

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2nd June 2004

7:49pm: i got my apt!
the one that i wanted
signed the lease today
get the keys next week
i have my first very own place!
Current Mood: excited

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31st May 2004

12:43am: i think its time for some changes
i need to get back in control and make some
things arent going to just magically become the way i want them
i have to take action to get somewhere

but that means it might not work
Current Mood: tired

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26th May 2004

11:44pm: just got home from seeing jaffes band, scene of the crime, play at the factory...they did really good, i wish more people could have been there to hear them...they sounded so much better and pulled together than the last time i heard them, their new stuff sems much more...i dunno, professional, grown up, like they have developed musically, its clean and polished, its stronger...everything has fallen into place, i honestly enjoyed the show...so bravo to the boys, and man is the drummer hot, whew...
Current Mood: impressed

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25th May 2004

10:52pm: everything happens for a reason right?
i just wish i knew what that was

good talk with linds last night...i think its just good to get some of this out, to just talk and talk...i am still that lump on the couch staring blankly for hours turning over everything in my head and going back and forth, but...i feel a little less broken, at least for today
Current Mood: melancholy

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5th May 2004

4:17pm: stupid stupid stupid

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